WEBVTT 02:00.780 --> 02:03.700 one I used to walk around in my dream. 02:06.190 --> 02:08.670 In this dream, I'm in a hospital bed, 02:09.970 --> 02:11.770 and it's like a scene from a movie 02:11.770 --> 02:12.950 you've seen a million times. 02:15.100 --> 02:17.160 The doctor is holding a small pink bundle, 02:18.740 --> 02:21.820 and he leans over the bed, and he hands me the bundle. 02:23.770 --> 02:25.630 It's a girl, he says. 02:27.550 --> 02:28.850 Isn't she beautiful? 02:30.010 --> 02:32.230 Look, and wrapped in the bundle, 02:32.510 --> 02:34.130 I see the little face of my dog, 02:34.130 --> 02:37.330 a small rat terrier named Lola Belle. 02:40.660 --> 02:42.200 And no one says anything like, 02:43.180 --> 02:46.000 you know, this is not a human baby. 02:47.300 --> 02:48.900 You just gave birth to a dog. 02:50.900 --> 02:52.200 But I'm so happy. 02:52.720 --> 02:55.540 I put my head to her forehead and look into her eyes, 02:55.960 --> 02:59.040 and it's almost a perfect moment, 02:59.540 --> 03:04.460 except that the joy is mixed with quite a lot of guilt, 03:05.000 --> 03:06.500 because the truth was, 03:07.120 --> 03:09.600 I had engineered this whole thing. 03:10.600 --> 03:14.040 I had arranged to have Lola Belle sewn into my stomach 03:14.040 --> 03:17.480 so that I could then give birth to her. 03:18.320 --> 03:20.340 And this had been really hard to do. 03:20.780 --> 03:22.000 Lola Belle wasn't a puppy. 03:22.380 --> 03:25.220 She was a full-grown dog, and she had really struggled. 03:25.640 --> 03:27.760 And she kept barking and trying to get out, 03:27.840 --> 03:30.060 and the surgeons kept trying to push her back in 03:30.060 --> 03:32.780 and sew things up, and it was really a mess. 03:32.920 --> 03:34.540 And I felt really bad about it, 03:34.540 --> 03:37.700 but it was just the way, you know, things had to be. 03:38.860 --> 03:40.640 Anyway, I kissed her on the head, 03:41.520 --> 03:43.600 and I said, hello, little bonehead. 03:45.040 --> 03:46.740 I'll love you forever. 04:21.940 --> 04:25.480 I'm standing in the room where she was dying. 04:26.600 --> 04:28.420 She's talking in a high, new voice 04:29.380 --> 04:30.860 I've never heard before. 04:33.580 --> 04:38.220 Why are there so many animals on the ceiling now, she said. 04:40.950 --> 04:43.480 What are the very last things you say in your life? 04:46.840 --> 04:48.260 What are the last things you say 04:48.260 --> 04:50.800 before you turn into dirt? 04:54.540 --> 04:57.600 When my mother died, she was talking to the animals 04:58.370 --> 04:59.800 that had gathered on the ceiling. 05:01.730 --> 05:03.690 She spoke to them tenderly. 05:06.300 --> 05:08.900 All you animals, she said. 05:13.360 --> 05:15.800 Her last words, all scattered. 05:17.520 --> 05:21.280 Different trains, places she'd always meant to go. 05:24.540 --> 05:25.860 Don't forget you're in the hospital. 05:25.860 --> 05:27.280 We kept saying. 05:28.580 --> 05:31.180 She holds up her hand, thanks so much. 05:32.040 --> 05:33.820 No, the pleasure is all mine. 05:35.900 --> 05:36.640 She tries again. 05:36.940 --> 05:39.080 It's been my privilege and my honor 05:39.080 --> 05:41.020 to be part of this experiment, 05:41.320 --> 05:44.740 this experience with you and your family, 05:45.040 --> 05:56.600 and it's been, tell the animals, she said. 05:58.970 --> 06:00.150 Tell all the animals. 06:04.910 --> 06:05.690 Is it a pilgrimage? 06:09.150 --> 06:09.650 Towards what? 06:13.320 --> 06:14.640 Which way do we face? 06:17.590 --> 06:22.680 Thank you so much for having me. 06:48.290 --> 06:51.190 As a child, I was a kind of a sky worshiper. 06:54.310 --> 06:57.710 This was the Midwest, and the sky was so vast. 06:58.190 --> 06:59.390 It was most of the world. 07:01.470 --> 07:03.090 I knew I had come from there, 07:03.750 --> 07:06.570 and that someday I would go back. 07:32.380 --> 07:33.400 What are days for? 07:35.740 --> 07:36.640 To wake us up? 07:38.760 --> 07:41.060 To put between the endless night? 07:47.380 --> 07:48.480 What are nights for? 07:51.900 --> 07:59.240 To fall through time into another world. 08:36.310 --> 08:37.710 I live in downtown Manhattan, 08:38.210 --> 08:39.410 next to the West Side Highway. 08:40.570 --> 08:44.050 In September 2001, after the Trade Center fell, 08:44.650 --> 08:46.810 everything was covered with white ash. 08:47.510 --> 08:50.690 For months, lines of trucks moved up the highway, 08:51.370 --> 08:53.890 carrying the twisted metal debris from the towers. 08:56.810 --> 08:57.990 Out at the end of the pier, 08:58.310 --> 09:00.510 there's a strange Assyrian-looking building, 09:01.110 --> 09:04.230 and during this time, FBI speed boats 09:04.230 --> 09:05.850 began to dock out there. 09:07.210 --> 09:08.870 It was the beginning of the time 09:08.870 --> 09:12.430 when cameras began to appear everywhere, 09:18.600 --> 09:21.420 and everything was so loud and such a mess. 09:21.880 --> 09:24.220 I tried to get out of town as much as I could, 09:25.420 --> 09:27.500 and I decided to go to California, 09:27.900 --> 09:31.180 up to the Northern Mountains, with my dog Lolabelle. 09:32.260 --> 09:34.260 Now, the idea was to take a trip 09:34.260 --> 09:36.020 and spend some time with her, 09:36.720 --> 09:38.580 and do a kind of experiment 09:39.260 --> 09:41.420 to see if I could learn to talk with her. 09:43.800 --> 09:45.340 Now, I'd heard that rat terriers 09:45.340 --> 09:48.380 could understand about 500 words, 09:48.820 --> 09:51.900 and I wanted to see which ones they were. 09:53.380 --> 09:55.820 It was February, and the mountains 09:55.820 --> 09:58.440 were covered with tiny wildflowers, 09:58.720 --> 10:01.960 and such a huge, tall sky, 10:02.480 --> 10:05.140 and a very thin, pale blue air. 10:06.260 --> 10:08.380 And hawks circling. 10:10.000 --> 10:12.160 Every morning, we walked down to the ocean, 10:12.640 --> 10:13.900 which took most of the day. 10:15.020 --> 10:17.300 And what happened was, more or less, 10:17.600 --> 10:19.560 beauty got in the way of the experiment. 10:20.500 --> 10:22.700 It was just so beautiful up there 10:22.700 --> 10:24.760 that I forgot the whole project, really. 10:25.180 --> 10:26.860 It just slipped my mind. 10:28.320 --> 10:31.180 Most days, the walk to the ocean took several hours, 10:31.600 --> 10:33.340 and we would just goof around, 10:33.340 --> 10:37.220 and lie down, and have snacks of carrots. 10:38.840 --> 10:41.580 Now, rat terriers are bred to protect borders, 10:42.120 --> 10:44.420 so Lolabelle was always on the job. 10:45.140 --> 10:46.880 She would trot in front of me on the trail, 10:47.020 --> 10:49.600 doing a little advance work, a little surveilling. 10:52.420 --> 10:55.020 Now, occasionally, out of the corner of my eye, 10:55.240 --> 10:58.780 I'd see some hawks circling this very lazy way, 10:58.940 --> 11:00.200 way up in the sky. 11:00.820 --> 11:03.340 And then one morning, suddenly, for no reason, 11:03.340 --> 11:06.220 they came swooping down right in front of me, 11:06.640 --> 11:07.780 dropping down through the air, 11:08.060 --> 11:11.320 their claws wide open, right on top of Lolabelle. 11:12.300 --> 11:15.320 And then they swooped back up, and dropped back down, 11:15.420 --> 11:17.080 and I realized that they were in the middle 11:17.080 --> 11:18.180 of changing their plan. 11:19.100 --> 11:20.500 This little white thing, 11:20.900 --> 11:23.960 that had looked like a tiny white bunny from 2,000 feet up, 11:24.160 --> 11:26.740 was turning out to be just a little too big 11:26.740 --> 11:28.340 to grab by the neck. 11:28.460 --> 11:32.220 And they were making their calculations, figuring it out. 11:33.340 --> 11:35.280 And then I saw Lolabelle's face, 11:35.700 --> 11:37.480 and she had this brand new expression. 11:38.460 --> 11:40.980 First was the realization that she was praying, 11:41.660 --> 11:44.620 and that these birds had come to kill her. 11:47.880 --> 11:50.940 And second was a whole new thought. 11:51.780 --> 11:57.400 It was the realization that they could come from the air. 11:58.660 --> 12:00.660 I mean, I never thought of that. 12:01.100 --> 12:03.940 A whole 180 more degrees 12:03.940 --> 12:06.340 that I'm now responsible for. 12:07.040 --> 12:09.100 It's not just the stuff down here, 12:09.200 --> 12:11.720 the dirt, the paths, the roots, the trees, 12:11.920 --> 12:13.920 but all this too. 12:16.010 --> 12:17.690 And the rest of the time we were in the mountains, 12:18.270 --> 12:20.010 she just kept looking over her shoulder, 12:20.150 --> 12:21.910 and trotting along with her head in the air, 12:22.190 --> 12:24.370 her eyes scanning the thin sky, 12:25.150 --> 12:28.790 like there's something wrong with the air. 12:31.980 --> 12:35.940 And I thought, where have I seen this look before? 12:38.440 --> 12:41.180 And then I realized it was the same look 12:41.180 --> 12:43.600 on the faces of my neighbors in New York 12:43.600 --> 12:45.500 in the days right after 9-11, 12:46.300 --> 12:48.240 when they suddenly realized, 12:49.080 --> 12:54.230 first, that they could come from the air, 12:56.150 --> 13:00.210 and second, that it would be that way from now on. 13:02.870 --> 13:05.910 And we had passed through a door, 13:08.160 --> 13:10.720 and we would never be going. 13:38.050 --> 13:40.230 What is the name of those things you see 13:40.550 --> 13:42.090 when you close your eyes? 13:43.250 --> 13:46.950 I think it's phosphenes, the reddish patterns, 13:47.550 --> 13:50.350 the little stripes and dots and blurry little lines 13:50.350 --> 13:52.850 you see floating around when you close your eyes. 13:54.010 --> 13:57.250 And no one really knows what they are, or what they're for. 13:57.910 --> 14:00.170 Sometimes they seem to be brought on by sound, 14:00.630 --> 14:03.590 or random electrical magnetic firing. 14:06.470 --> 14:09.210 Sometimes phosphenes are called prisoner cinema, 14:10.110 --> 14:14.470 some kind of eternal, plotless, avant-garde animated movie. 14:15.990 --> 14:18.590 Or maybe they're just screensavers, 14:19.010 --> 14:20.930 holding patterns that just sit there 14:20.930 --> 14:23.270 so your brain won't fall asleep. 14:49.410 --> 14:52.550 When Lola Belle got old, she went blind. 14:55.260 --> 14:56.280 She wouldn't move. 14:56.680 --> 14:58.060 She froze in place. 14:59.660 --> 15:03.420 The only place she would run was on the edge of the ocean, 15:04.180 --> 15:07.400 because she knew there would be nothing to run into there. 15:11.590 --> 15:14.810 And so, she went running, full speed, 15:15.430 --> 15:16.910 into total darkness. 15:21.590 --> 15:23.710 Around this time, her trainer, Elizabeth, 15:24.110 --> 15:25.890 decided to teach Lola Belle to paint. 15:27.130 --> 15:30.130 And so Lola Belle began making several paintings every day. 15:31.390 --> 15:33.410 Bright red abstract works. 15:34.750 --> 15:37.150 And she would scratch on these plastic sheets 15:37.150 --> 15:39.050 using static electricity. 15:41.620 --> 15:43.780 She also made small sculptures 15:44.480 --> 15:46.860 by pressing her paw into lumps of plasticine. 15:47.760 --> 15:50.140 She made a huge number of these things, 15:50.260 --> 15:52.280 and I didn't really know what to do with them, 15:52.420 --> 15:55.700 so I thought maybe they could be snack trays, 15:56.060 --> 16:01.260 or little clogs, like the ones Japanese dogs might wear 16:01.860 --> 16:02.580 in the rain. 16:03.580 --> 16:06.700 You know, you could sell them on the website. 16:06.700 --> 16:34.030 Lola Belle sat in the studio with me 16:34.030 --> 16:36.350 through lots of different record projects. 16:37.910 --> 16:39.950 Rat terriers have really good hearing, 16:40.370 --> 16:41.950 especially in the upper registers, 16:42.450 --> 16:44.190 and they never seem to get bored. 16:44.930 --> 16:47.870 Hey, let's listen to that cello track for the 70th time. 16:48.630 --> 16:49.550 Great idea. 16:51.800 --> 16:52.960 Let's do that. 16:58.170 --> 17:01.010 Some trainers say that in order to understand your breed, 17:01.490 --> 17:04.350 you have to imagine what their voices would sound like, 17:04.960 --> 17:07.170 and what they'd say to you when you give them a command. 17:08.090 --> 17:10.270 So give a command to a German shepherd, 17:10.430 --> 17:15.010 and he'd say, right boss, no problem, consider it done. 17:15.910 --> 17:19.310 Give a command to a poodle, and it's please love me. 17:20.170 --> 17:21.850 I'll do anything if you just love me. 17:23.150 --> 17:26.710 But give a command to a terrier, and they say, 17:28.710 --> 17:30.190 is it gonna be fun? 17:31.390 --> 17:33.390 Because if it's not gonna be fun, 17:34.010 --> 17:36.250 I'm just not interested. 17:42.660 --> 17:45.000 It was so strange the way it happened. 17:45.560 --> 17:49.660 Almost overnight, there were soldiers everywhere in the city 17:49.660 --> 17:52.600 where there used to be just maybe one policeman. 17:52.880 --> 17:54.960 Now there were groups of soldiers 17:54.960 --> 17:57.840 with machine guns and riot gear. 17:59.240 --> 18:01.700 Almost immediately, it became normal. 18:02.180 --> 18:03.560 They began to blend in. 18:04.400 --> 18:07.300 Nobody talked to them, but they were everywhere, 18:07.860 --> 18:09.300 like ghosts. 18:09.940 --> 18:14.570 And I thought, when did that start to happen? 18:15.050 --> 18:17.190 We're trying to prevent it from happening 18:17.190 --> 18:19.870 instead of having to deal with it afterwards. 18:20.410 --> 18:23.310 So Homeland Security began to breed dogs. 18:24.290 --> 18:26.810 When the puppies were 13 weeks old, 18:27.150 --> 18:30.170 they were sent to prisons to be trained by prisoners. 18:31.050 --> 18:34.810 The smartest dogs were drafted to work with police 18:34.810 --> 18:37.910 on patrols and on bomb-sniffing squads. 18:39.370 --> 18:41.550 The Homeland Security slogan, 18:41.890 --> 18:43.890 if you see something, say something, 18:44.090 --> 18:46.890 sounds like something the Austrian philosopher 18:46.890 --> 18:48.590 Wittgenstein might say. 18:49.090 --> 18:52.090 And his books are full of cryptic sentences about logic 18:52.090 --> 18:54.910 and about how language has the power 18:54.910 --> 18:57.310 to actually create the world. 18:58.170 --> 19:00.070 If you can't talk about it, he says, 19:00.350 --> 19:02.370 it just doesn't exist. 19:23.580 --> 19:26.060 After the see something, say something slogan 19:26.060 --> 19:27.440 had been around for a while, 19:28.100 --> 19:32.520 someone from Homeland Security must have had second thoughts 19:32.520 --> 19:36.900 about asking people to report on each other all the time. 19:40.350 --> 19:41.670 I would have loved to have been 19:41.670 --> 19:44.830 at that Homeland Security PR brainstorming session 19:45.590 --> 19:48.950 when they decided to add this phrase to their slogan. 19:56.990 --> 19:59.450 There are so many trucks in my neighborhood now 20:00.050 --> 20:01.530 carrying information and data 20:01.530 --> 20:04.150 on the way to secure storage areas. 20:04.150 --> 20:08.370 Iron Mountain started as a network of caves 20:08.370 --> 20:11.310 for growing mushrooms and gradually turned 20:11.310 --> 20:13.430 into a bomb-resistant storage facility 20:13.430 --> 20:15.530 for corporate documents. 20:17.270 --> 20:21.190 After World War II, the company began inventing 20:21.190 --> 20:22.970 new identities for Jewish immigrants 20:22.970 --> 20:26.130 who arrived with nothing, no papers, 20:26.390 --> 20:28.530 or at most their old library cards. 20:29.630 --> 20:33.490 So Iron Mountain created all sorts of new documents for them 20:34.190 --> 20:37.750 and they became instant Americans. 20:44.240 --> 20:45.600 Lola Bell was a mall dog. 20:46.180 --> 20:49.220 She came from one of the high-speed puppy mills 20:49.220 --> 20:53.460 that breed dogs in batches and then sell them in malls. 20:57.960 --> 21:01.160 She was bought by a couple who were 21:01.160 --> 21:06.520 in the middle of a divorce and no one could take her. 21:07.680 --> 21:11.520 The woman didn't want her and the husband didn't want her 21:12.860 --> 21:18.440 and the boy wanted her, but nobody really wanted the boy. 21:24.130 --> 21:26.530 And so the man took Lola Bell with him to Canada 21:27.370 --> 21:30.150 where he spent a month camping and crying 21:30.150 --> 21:33.870 and thinking it all through and talking to himself. 21:35.490 --> 21:38.130 And Lola Bell rode up on the bow of the kayak, 21:39.210 --> 21:40.850 perched on the front leading the way 21:40.850 --> 21:44.870 as the man paddled along and tried to figure out 21:45.550 --> 21:49.390 what to do with his life, how to go on. 21:52.670 --> 21:54.050 And I think that was where she learned 21:54.050 --> 21:56.410 the great skill of empathy. 21:57.630 --> 21:59.850 And also where she learned what 21:59.850 --> 22:02.530 her meditation teacher keeps telling us. 22:04.890 --> 22:08.690 And he says, you should try to learn how to feel sad 22:09.330 --> 22:16.970 without being sad, which is actually really hard to do, 22:21.710 --> 22:27.710 to feel sad without actually being sad. 23:00.540 --> 23:04.080 Terriers are really adaptable and very social. 23:05.040 --> 23:08.100 So Lola Bell immediately fit right in into the West Village. 23:09.520 --> 23:12.060 Within a week or two, she seemed to know everyone. 23:16.380 --> 23:18.980 Kurt, who has the Austrian restaurant on the corner, 23:19.580 --> 23:20.960 our neighbor Julie and the painter 23:20.960 --> 23:22.280 who lives across the street, 23:22.780 --> 23:25.900 and lots of people who were total strangers to us. 23:29.220 --> 23:31.220 She had a tab in several stores 23:31.760 --> 23:34.360 and on most walks she would drop in 23:34.360 --> 23:37.520 to pick up a treat or a toy. 23:46.680 --> 23:48.600 The West Village has the highest density 23:48.600 --> 23:49.780 of dogs in the city. 23:50.760 --> 23:54.500 Lots of the dogs are chasing birds and barking at cars. 23:56.700 --> 23:59.540 But weirdly, there are almost no collisions. 24:01.060 --> 24:04.580 Pretty much everybody manages to stay out of the way. 24:14.320 --> 24:16.480 Dogs see mostly blues and greens. 24:17.600 --> 24:19.080 Their eyesight is very blurry 24:19.420 --> 24:21.360 and gets combined with their sense of smell, 24:22.060 --> 24:24.300 which is hard for humans to imagine 24:24.300 --> 24:27.600 since we lost most of our ability to navigate by smell 24:28.080 --> 24:31.360 when we began walking upright, so far from the ground. 24:49.440 --> 24:51.220 So many things are being recorded. 24:52.140 --> 24:58.520 Numbers, locations, names, dates, times, directions. 24:59.780 --> 25:03.940 Massive amounts of data are being collected and stored. 25:05.520 --> 25:07.840 What kind of information is this? 25:08.580 --> 25:13.190 Fragmented conversations full of jump cuts and distortions. 25:15.200 --> 25:18.880 And what are the stories that emerge from these fragments? 25:20.460 --> 25:22.720 And why are they being collected? 25:27.480 --> 25:29.500 And it's only when you commit a crime 25:30.220 --> 25:31.940 that the data is put together 25:32.460 --> 25:36.040 and your story is reconstructed backwards. 25:37.180 --> 25:39.680 A portrait of you made up of data trails. 25:40.480 --> 25:43.280 The places you went, the things you bought, 25:44.280 --> 25:48.890 the pictures you took, the emails you sent. 25:53.180 --> 25:54.540 And like Kierkegaard said, 25:56.850 --> 25:59.950 life can only be understood backwards, 26:02.920 --> 26:05.500 but it must be lived forwards. 26:55.940 --> 26:58.960 The new headquarters of the National Security Agency 26:58.960 --> 27:01.360 is finally almost finished. 27:02.020 --> 27:06.360 This huge data center in Utah collects information 27:07.380 --> 27:10.800 and has clearance to bug the systems of individual citizens 27:10.800 --> 27:15.800 and to engage in sabotage using subversive software. 27:18.490 --> 27:20.290 The United States is the first country 27:20.290 --> 27:24.090 in the history of the world to collect and store information 27:24.090 --> 27:26.570 about its own citizens on this scale. 27:28.460 --> 27:31.060 Until now, records were mostly accounts 27:31.060 --> 27:33.360 of the lives of kings and pharaohs 27:33.360 --> 27:38.240 who also stored their records in massive desert complexes. 27:47.070 --> 27:49.270 A lot of the information is stored in the cloud, 27:50.410 --> 27:52.670 but the likelihood that your story 27:52.670 --> 27:55.210 is going to get mixed up with someone else's story 27:55.210 --> 27:57.370 is extremely high. 29:25.220 --> 29:27.100 I remember the first time I realized 29:27.100 --> 29:29.160 that some people live in different worlds. 29:30.300 --> 29:32.260 I'd be walking to school and I'd look up 29:32.260 --> 29:35.020 and there was Moses hanging by his tool belt. 29:36.380 --> 29:38.320 Every day, no matter what the weather, 29:38.780 --> 29:41.480 Moses would climb up the telephone poles 29:41.480 --> 29:45.100 and attach his belt to them and open the phone boxes 29:45.940 --> 29:47.740 and move the lines around. 29:50.080 --> 29:53.320 Sometimes he'd take out his tools and do some hammering. 29:54.980 --> 29:57.580 In the winter, you could see him really well, 29:58.380 --> 30:00.080 outlined against the bright sky, 30:01.800 --> 30:04.980 hammering and spinning round and round up there. 30:08.770 --> 30:12.490 Now Moses did not work for the phone company. 30:13.670 --> 30:16.050 He just lived in another world, 30:16.830 --> 30:22.610 a kind of dream world of trees and circuits and electronics. 30:25.860 --> 30:28.780 But everyone in town made a point 30:28.780 --> 30:30.860 of thanking him for fixing their phones. 30:32.180 --> 30:33.400 The men would be walking home 30:33.400 --> 30:35.180 from the train station in the evening 30:35.620 --> 30:36.340 and they'd yell, 30:40.120 --> 30:41.140 good job on the phones, 30:42.820 --> 30:45.680 reception on my line is really great now. 30:46.380 --> 30:48.720 Nice job, clear, thanks a lot. 31:00.660 --> 31:04.460 As a child, I had a hobby of making colonial newspapers, 31:05.260 --> 31:08.560 just inventing things that happened in colonial times 31:08.560 --> 31:11.640 and printing them and handing them out to the neighbors. 31:12.780 --> 31:15.640 I also had a hobby of trying to imagine things 31:15.640 --> 31:18.380 that had never happened in the history of the world. 31:18.860 --> 31:21.400 For some reason, this was really important to me. 31:22.160 --> 31:24.340 So I'd go out into the woods and make a fort 31:24.340 --> 31:27.320 and roll oak leaves into oak leaf cigarettes 31:27.320 --> 31:30.260 and crawl into the fort and smoke the cigarettes 31:30.260 --> 31:32.440 and think up various improbable events. 31:33.540 --> 31:37.880 For example, a man is walking along a road 31:37.880 --> 31:40.000 and just as he looks up into the sky, 31:40.400 --> 31:42.680 which is filled with dense, swirling snow, 31:43.060 --> 31:45.580 a duck flying above him has a heart attack 31:45.580 --> 31:48.620 and falls right on top of the man and kills him. 31:49.260 --> 31:50.400 Things like that. 31:54.470 --> 31:56.970 Sometimes these thoughts would lead to questions like, 31:58.110 --> 32:02.250 is it true that on Mars, the cliffs are 40 miles high? 32:03.610 --> 32:05.290 Or what if everything just stopped? 32:05.650 --> 32:09.910 The tides and the waves and what if the sky froze? 32:10.370 --> 32:23.200 But then, say, to live in the gap 32:23.700 --> 32:25.600 between the moment that is expiring 32:26.120 --> 32:27.580 and the one that is arising. 32:27.580 --> 32:34.400 A city, luminous, the real city, 32:34.960 --> 32:38.280 falling through your mind in glittering pieces. 32:42.830 --> 32:45.970 And when you close your eyes, what do you see? 32:51.820 --> 32:52.640 Now open them. 32:54.100 --> 32:56.440 Good girl, what a good girl. 33:03.990 --> 33:05.470 When Lola Belle went blind, 33:06.630 --> 33:09.530 Elizabeth decided it was time for her to learn piano. 33:10.330 --> 33:12.430 So he set up some keyboards on the floor 33:12.430 --> 33:15.330 and she would run over and turn them on and start to play. 33:16.700 --> 33:19.860 Lola Belle played every day for two years 33:19.860 --> 33:22.230 and she got reasonably good. 33:46.920 --> 33:50.520 She was trained with a little clicker that Elizabeth used. 34:01.530 --> 34:04.170 She also played more experimental music 34:04.170 --> 34:06.170 and she used some of the same programs 34:06.170 --> 34:07.530 and samples that I use. 34:34.220 --> 34:37.240 She also did a lot of benefit concerts for other animals 34:37.240 --> 34:41.220 and for various animal rights organizations. 34:43.540 --> 35:06.350 She also made a Christmas record. 35:06.930 --> 35:09.870 Which was pretty good. 35:26.980 --> 35:29.900 One of my favorite paintings is by Goya. 35:30.660 --> 35:32.760 And it doesn't look like his other work at all. 35:32.860 --> 35:36.140 It's a huge gold void. 35:38.560 --> 35:42.720 Except at the bottom, there's a little dog 35:43.400 --> 35:45.220 and you see only his head. 35:46.040 --> 35:48.360 And he seems to be climbing a steep hill. 35:49.160 --> 35:53.480 Or maybe swimming by himself in a gold ocean. 36:00.300 --> 36:01.800 When Lola Belle got very sick, 36:02.440 --> 36:03.880 we took her to the hospital. 36:05.740 --> 36:07.800 We spent a lot of time with vets 36:07.800 --> 36:10.260 and they always wanted to give you this speech 36:10.260 --> 36:11.940 they prepared about pain. 36:12.820 --> 36:16.080 Which was, of course you don't want her to be in pain 36:16.080 --> 36:19.220 and so we just give her a shot and put her to sleep 36:19.220 --> 36:22.440 and then another shot and she stops breathing. 36:24.360 --> 36:25.800 And every time they would say that, 36:25.900 --> 36:28.320 I would say, listen, I know you wanna say this 36:28.320 --> 36:31.680 but we're not going to do this so nevermind. 36:32.580 --> 36:34.940 But they would still try to give the speech anyway. 36:41.010 --> 36:42.890 I was really worried about this. 36:43.390 --> 36:45.390 So I called our Buddhist teacher and he said, 36:47.210 --> 36:48.870 animals are like people. 36:49.250 --> 36:51.950 They approach death and then they back away. 36:53.570 --> 36:55.050 And it's a process. 36:55.430 --> 36:58.090 And you don't have the right to take that from them. 37:02.150 --> 37:06.030 He said, you should just go and get her from the hospital 37:06.030 --> 37:07.430 and bring her home. 37:11.380 --> 37:14.020 Pretty much exactly what your Jewish grandmother would say. 37:14.100 --> 37:16.920 Get some good tranquilizers, 37:17.540 --> 37:21.740 get some good food and bring her home. 37:37.050 --> 37:40.870 So we went to the hospital and we took Lola Belle home. 37:43.210 --> 37:44.910 We stayed with her for three days 37:45.590 --> 37:48.930 as her breath slowed and then stopped. 37:51.260 --> 37:54.940 We had learned to love Lola as she loved us 37:55.980 --> 37:59.600 with the tenderness we didn't know we had. 38:10.710 --> 38:11.770 The thing that's forbidden 38:12.630 --> 38:16.690 by the Tibetan book of the dead is crying. 38:18.270 --> 38:19.870 Crying is not allowed 38:20.850 --> 38:23.930 because it's supposedly confusing to the dead 38:23.930 --> 38:26.490 and you don't want to summon them back 38:26.490 --> 38:29.410 because they actually can't come back. 38:30.390 --> 38:32.810 So no crying. 38:36.170 --> 38:39.030 When Lola Belle died, our teacher said, 38:40.070 --> 38:41.370 every time you think of her, 38:41.990 --> 38:44.610 give something away or do something kind. 38:45.530 --> 38:50.390 And I said, then I'd be giving things away nonstop. 38:51.350 --> 38:59.590 And he said, so, and it took me so long to figure it out 39:00.610 --> 39:06.130 because death is so often about regrets or guilt. 39:07.070 --> 39:10.470 Why didn't I call her or why didn't I say that? 39:10.790 --> 39:14.790 It's more about you than the person who died. 39:17.890 --> 39:20.650 But finally, I saw it. 39:21.930 --> 39:26.310 The connection between love and death 39:30.400 --> 39:36.840 and that the purpose of death is the release of love. 39:52.610 --> 39:54.850 Gordon Mata-Clark died young 39:54.850 --> 39:58.560 and he died in an amazing way. 40:00.060 --> 40:04.000 Gordon was a good friend of mine and he was a sculptor. 40:04.880 --> 40:07.960 One of his most well-known works was called Splitting 40:08.780 --> 40:11.660 in which he saw a suburban house in half. 40:12.960 --> 40:16.080 He was a minimalist and there was a lot of advanced theory 40:16.590 --> 40:18.880 about why he cut houses in half. 40:19.440 --> 40:21.060 Although none of the theories 40:21.590 --> 40:23.260 talked about his parents' divorce 40:23.860 --> 40:25.580 or what happened one day 40:25.580 --> 40:28.700 when his twin brother jumped to his death. 40:30.060 --> 40:31.180 Out of Gordon's window. 40:35.960 --> 40:37.020 When Gordon got sick, 40:38.000 --> 40:41.020 he decided to make his death very social. 40:41.900 --> 40:44.740 And so he invited his friends to come to the hospital 40:45.480 --> 40:48.160 and he had only 24 hours left to live. 40:48.940 --> 40:51.660 The length of time that his system was breaking down. 40:52.580 --> 40:55.960 And he decided to spend this time reading to his friends. 40:59.960 --> 41:00.680 And when he died, 41:01.120 --> 41:03.500 there were two llamas on either side of him. 41:04.480 --> 41:05.940 And when he stopped breathing, 41:06.540 --> 41:08.860 they began shouting into his ear. 41:10.000 --> 41:12.200 Now the Tibetans believe that hearing 41:12.200 --> 41:13.940 is the last sense to go. 41:14.740 --> 41:18.220 So after the heart stops and your brain flatlines 41:18.220 --> 41:20.220 and the eyes go dark, 41:21.280 --> 41:24.900 the hammers in the ears are still working. 41:25.600 --> 41:26.880 And so they shout instructions 41:26.880 --> 41:29.020 from the Tibetan Book of the Dead, 41:29.320 --> 41:32.220 also called the Great Liberation through hearing. 41:32.560 --> 41:33.340 And they yelled, 41:33.340 --> 41:35.180 Gordon, you're dead. 41:37.180 --> 41:38.020 You're dead now. 41:39.140 --> 41:40.080 And then they say, 41:40.220 --> 41:42.600 you see two lights and one is near you 41:42.600 --> 41:45.360 and one is far away and don't go to the near one, 41:45.460 --> 41:48.980 go to the one that's far away and so on and so on and so on. 41:52.740 --> 41:55.040 I've seen three ghosts in my life now. 41:55.560 --> 41:57.420 And the first was Gordon. 41:59.270 --> 42:00.990 A few hours after he died, 42:01.510 --> 42:04.330 he appeared on the back porch of the commune I was living in. 42:06.980 --> 42:12.510 Every love story is a ghost story. 42:18.830 --> 42:20.850 Said David Foster Wallace. 42:32.300 --> 42:35.640 After death, according to the Tibetan Book of the Dead, 42:36.780 --> 42:40.880 all creatures then spend 49 days in the bardo. 42:42.460 --> 42:44.000 And the bardo isn't a place, 42:44.060 --> 42:48.500 it's more like a process that lasts 49 days 42:49.020 --> 42:50.840 as the mind dissolves. 42:51.520 --> 42:52.960 And as the Tibetans believe, 42:53.520 --> 42:56.380 the consciousness or let's say the energy 42:56.380 --> 42:59.280 prepares to take another life form. 43:01.880 --> 43:06.220 Leap, leap, all goes to darkness. 43:07.560 --> 43:10.180 And the next thing you see is your next life. 43:11.660 --> 43:16.780 A slow awakening to this world or another world. 43:20.080 --> 43:23.820 Now you are in another form without a body. 43:30.680 --> 43:31.780 Recognize this. 43:43.980 --> 43:48.840 The cities, the mountains, the rooms, 43:49.620 --> 43:52.480 the trees, the train. 43:55.340 --> 44:06.420 Optical illusions like dreams made of nothing. 44:09.020 --> 44:10.860 Things you loved as living things 44:11.520 --> 44:13.340 move with a different speed. 44:14.200 --> 44:17.480 They disappear, echo, repeat. 44:30.900 --> 44:34.320 Anger turned to liberation. 44:36.900 --> 44:40.100 Earth into water, water into fire, 44:42.330 --> 44:48.420 fire into air, air into consciousness. 45:00.520 --> 45:03.640 The many days of silence and loneliness. 45:26.560 --> 45:28.180 At first you don't realize you're dead 45:28.180 --> 45:30.480 but continue doing things you used to do. 45:31.860 --> 45:33.660 Looking for things you've lost. 45:36.260 --> 45:39.840 Your mind overwhelmed by memories and plans. 45:40.640 --> 45:41.560 What am I? 45:42.880 --> 45:43.660 What am I? 45:52.330 --> 45:53.490 Recognize this. 45:58.090 --> 46:00.870 The monkey mind, my teacher calls it. 46:01.370 --> 46:06.070 Dissolving like moonlight in a cloudless sky. 46:10.980 --> 46:12.120 Recognize this. 46:15.580 --> 46:17.040 You can move through walls. 46:29.470 --> 46:33.390 Recognize this as the play of your own mind. 46:45.670 --> 46:48.390 Leave attachment to the things you left. 46:51.970 --> 46:53.090 Could I have done this? 46:55.800 --> 46:57.060 Could I have said this? 47:00.870 --> 47:05.430 Get some good food and bring her home, that's all. 47:07.860 --> 47:11.560 The long ago fears of childhood. 47:18.460 --> 47:19.540 No solid self. 47:22.290 --> 47:24.550 The longing after your own happiness. 47:25.870 --> 47:27.990 The longing after your own happiness. 47:31.940 --> 47:33.680 Trapped in your thought flow. 47:39.930 --> 47:47.270 Wake up, wake up. 47:53.770 --> 47:55.050 Clocks have stopped. 48:00.420 --> 48:12.980 Once you wore that, once you did that. 48:15.380 --> 48:16.900 Everything you knew about time, 48:17.520 --> 48:19.520 slipping, repeating. 48:31.900 --> 48:33.060 Do not be afraid. 48:56.950 --> 48:57.810 Recognize this. 49:02.650 --> 49:04.290 Leave behind aggression. 49:39.060 --> 49:39.960 Recognize this. 50:52.910 --> 50:56.790 I spent the next 49 days keeping a kind of double diary, 50:57.230 --> 50:59.710 keeping track of what was going on in the real world 50:59.710 --> 51:01.390 and what was going on in the Bardo. 51:07.600 --> 51:09.440 Lots of things were going on in the real world 51:09.440 --> 51:10.200 during that time. 51:11.060 --> 51:15.360 On May 2nd, Osama bin Laden was killed in Pakistan 51:16.540 --> 51:21.440 in a raid called Operation Neptune Spear, led by the CIA. 51:28.940 --> 51:32.680 On April 22nd, the memory unit of the flight data recorder 51:32.680 --> 51:35.740 from Air France 447 was recovered 51:35.740 --> 51:37.480 from the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. 51:38.480 --> 51:41.920 Then on May 21st, there was a prediction 51:41.920 --> 51:45.680 by a US religious group that the world was going to end. 51:46.560 --> 51:47.120 The world has come. 51:47.700 --> 51:50.060 The world is now under judgment 51:50.060 --> 51:54.000 where it was not prior to May 21st. 51:54.020 --> 51:56.980 On May 23rd, there was a retraction. 51:57.200 --> 51:58.700 There's a big difference in the world 51:58.700 --> 52:01.700 that we can't detect at all with our eyes, 52:01.960 --> 52:03.680 but we can know from the Bible. 52:14.310 --> 52:16.290 Strange, but after all this time, 52:17.470 --> 52:19.910 30,000 years of human civilization, 52:20.290 --> 52:22.710 we still have no idea why we dream. 52:22.710 --> 52:25.150 Of course, there are lots of theories, 52:25.890 --> 52:29.010 and one theory of SIDS, or sudden infant death syndrome, 52:29.610 --> 52:30.770 has to do with dreaming. 52:32.290 --> 52:35.730 SIDS, or crib death, is the mysterious phenomenon 52:35.730 --> 52:39.910 of the death of a baby who just suddenly stops breathing. 52:41.270 --> 52:44.550 And according to the theory, the baby dies during REM sleep, 52:45.170 --> 52:48.110 a period when dreams of the past are the most intense. 52:48.950 --> 52:52.990 And these dreams are from before the baby was born, 52:53.390 --> 52:56.070 before the baby began to breathe. 52:56.850 --> 52:59.310 And the dreams are so real, 53:00.190 --> 53:06.370 the baby gets lost in them and just stops breathing. 53:10.630 --> 53:13.630 And when you see an X-ray of a child's head, 53:15.840 --> 53:17.760 you see this second pair of teeth 53:17.760 --> 53:19.800 right above the baby teeth. 53:20.260 --> 53:23.540 And this second pair of teeth is ready to drop down 53:23.540 --> 53:26.560 into place when the first set falls out. 53:28.360 --> 53:30.520 Now, wouldn't it be great to have a second brain 53:31.340 --> 53:36.380 or a reserve heart that would just drop down into place 53:36.380 --> 53:38.700 when the first one breaks? 53:39.200 --> 53:48.980 I wanna tell you a story about a story. 53:50.280 --> 53:52.280 And it's about the time I discovered 53:52.280 --> 53:56.520 that most adults have no idea what they're talking about. 53:59.000 --> 54:00.960 It was the middle of the summer when I was 12. 54:02.160 --> 54:05.380 And I was the kind of kid who was always showing off. 54:05.980 --> 54:07.660 I have seven brothers and sisters 54:07.660 --> 54:09.960 and I was always getting lost in the crowd. 54:10.900 --> 54:14.020 And so I would do practically anything for attention. 54:15.420 --> 54:18.100 So one day I was at the swimming pool 54:18.660 --> 54:21.200 and I decided to do a flip from the high board, 54:21.840 --> 54:24.560 the kind of dive when you're temporarily 54:25.880 --> 54:27.920 magically suspended midair. 54:29.300 --> 54:31.020 And everyone around the pool goes, 54:31.320 --> 54:34.420 wow, that's incredible, that's amazing. 54:36.890 --> 54:38.730 Now, I'd never done a flip before, 54:38.970 --> 54:41.370 but I thought, how hard could it be? 54:42.410 --> 54:45.250 You just somersault and straighten out 54:45.250 --> 54:46.610 right before you hit the water. 54:48.230 --> 54:52.450 So I did, but I missed the pool 54:52.450 --> 54:57.970 and I landed on the concrete edge and broke my back. 55:00.180 --> 55:02.300 I spent the next few weeks in traction 55:02.300 --> 55:04.780 in the children's ward at the hospital. 55:05.580 --> 55:08.240 And for quite a while, I couldn't move or talk. 55:08.640 --> 55:10.880 I was just sort of floating. 55:12.020 --> 55:13.920 I was in the same trauma unit 55:13.920 --> 55:15.380 with the kids who'd been burned. 55:15.980 --> 55:18.260 And they were hanging in these rotating seats 55:18.260 --> 55:21.700 with slings, sort of like rotisseries or spits, 55:22.340 --> 55:25.020 machines that would turn you around and around 55:25.600 --> 55:29.140 so the burns could be bathed in these cool liquids. 55:29.980 --> 55:32.660 Then one day, one of the doctors came to see me 55:32.660 --> 55:35.160 and he told me that I wouldn't be able to walk again. 55:35.620 --> 55:39.000 And I remember thinking, this guy is crazy. 55:39.860 --> 55:41.660 I mean, is he even a doctor? 55:42.240 --> 55:43.000 Who knows? 55:43.280 --> 55:44.820 Of course I was going to walk. 55:44.840 --> 55:46.340 I just had to concentrate, 55:46.340 --> 55:48.760 keep trying to make contact with my feet, 55:48.980 --> 55:51.640 convince them, will them to move. 55:52.420 --> 55:54.800 The worst thing about this was the volunteers 55:55.280 --> 55:57.560 who came every afternoon to read to me. 55:57.800 --> 55:59.920 And they'd lean over the bed and they'd say, 56:00.460 --> 56:04.160 hello, Lori, really enunciating each word 56:04.160 --> 56:06.020 as if I'd also gone deaf. 56:07.890 --> 56:08.990 And they'd open the book. 56:09.090 --> 56:10.790 So where were we? 56:11.190 --> 56:14.790 Oh yes, the gray rabbit was hopping down the road 56:14.790 --> 56:16.190 and guess where he went? 56:16.190 --> 56:18.590 Well, nobody knows. 56:19.350 --> 56:20.590 The farmer doesn't know. 56:21.170 --> 56:22.890 The farmer's wife doesn't know. 56:23.910 --> 56:25.590 Nobody knew where the rabbit had gone, 56:25.670 --> 56:27.890 but just about everybody seemed to care. 56:29.290 --> 56:30.850 Now, before this happened, 56:31.150 --> 56:33.690 I'd been reading books like Tale of Two Cities 56:33.690 --> 56:35.550 and Crime and Punishment. 56:35.990 --> 56:39.190 So the gray rabbit stories were kind of a slow torture. 56:41.660 --> 56:43.820 Anyway, eventually I did get on my feet 56:43.820 --> 56:47.160 and for two years, I wore a huge metal brace. 56:47.720 --> 56:50.340 I got very obsessed with John F. Kennedy 56:50.920 --> 56:53.140 because he had back problems too. 56:53.620 --> 56:55.840 And he was the president. 56:58.110 --> 56:59.670 Much later in my life, 56:59.830 --> 57:02.390 when someone would ask what my childhood was like, 57:03.090 --> 57:05.950 sometimes I would tell them this story about the hospital. 57:06.510 --> 57:08.250 And it was a short way of telling them 57:08.250 --> 57:09.670 certain things about myself. 57:10.430 --> 57:13.270 How I'd learned not to trust certain people 57:13.270 --> 57:15.370 and how horrible it was to listen 57:15.370 --> 57:17.330 to long, pointless stories 57:17.330 --> 57:19.190 like the one about the gray rabbit. 57:22.180 --> 57:24.340 But there was always something weird 57:24.340 --> 57:28.020 about telling this story that made me very uneasy, 57:28.520 --> 57:30.040 like something was missing. 57:31.540 --> 57:34.320 Then one day, when I was in the middle of telling it, 57:34.640 --> 57:36.780 I was describing the little rotisseries 57:36.780 --> 57:38.680 that the kids were hanging in. 57:39.840 --> 57:43.660 And suddenly, it was like I was back in the hospital 57:43.660 --> 57:45.820 just exactly the way it had been. 57:46.460 --> 57:48.940 And I remembered the missing part. 57:50.770 --> 57:55.330 It was the way the ward sounded at night. 57:56.630 --> 58:02.430 It was the sounds of all the children crying and screaming. 58:04.930 --> 58:09.350 It was the sounds the children make when they're dying. 58:12.740 --> 58:14.180 And then I remembered the rest of it. 58:14.640 --> 58:16.280 The heavy smell of medicine. 58:17.360 --> 58:18.780 The smell of burned skin. 58:20.240 --> 58:21.640 How afraid I was. 58:22.940 --> 58:25.540 And the way some of the beds would be empty in the morning 58:25.540 --> 58:27.500 and the nurses would never talk about 58:27.500 --> 58:28.960 what had happened to these kids. 58:29.580 --> 58:31.120 They'd just go on making up the beds 58:31.120 --> 58:33.420 and cleaning up around the ward. 58:34.840 --> 58:36.360 And so the thing about this story 58:36.360 --> 58:39.580 was that actually, I had only told the part about myself. 58:40.400 --> 58:42.160 And I'd forgotten the rest of it. 58:42.680 --> 58:45.680 I'd cleaned it up, just the way the nurses had. 58:47.710 --> 58:50.690 And that's what I think is the creepiest thing about stories. 58:52.410 --> 58:54.530 You try to get to the point you're making, 58:54.530 --> 58:57.450 usually about yourself or something you learned. 58:59.050 --> 59:02.710 And you get your story and you hold on to it. 59:03.410 --> 59:07.290 And every time you tell it, you forget it. 59:09.190 --> 59:09.530 Mar. 01:02:04.020 --> 01:02:06.400 For two years after Lola Belle's death, 01:02:06.880 --> 01:02:08.740 I continued to get notifications 01:02:08.740 --> 01:02:12.000 from a Facebook account I didn't even know she had. 01:02:15.320 --> 01:02:17.660 One of the things I did to try to remember her 01:02:18.200 --> 01:02:20.160 was make huge paintings. 01:02:21.360 --> 01:02:23.580 Imagining her 49 days in the Bardo. 01:02:26.110 --> 01:02:30.310 Most of the paintings were full of wind and noise and chaos 01:02:30.850 --> 01:02:33.150 and half-remembered songs. 01:02:51.280 --> 01:03:46.490 They die in the winter in Chicago. 01:03:47.550 --> 01:03:49.470 The cold takes them away. 01:03:50.110 --> 01:03:52.830 It sweeps in off the lake and off they go. 01:03:52.970 --> 01:03:54.890 Has done for centuries now. 01:03:56.290 --> 01:03:58.870 Some of them died in the stockyards in Chicago 01:03:58.870 --> 01:04:02.670 or in backyards full of rusted jungle gyms 01:04:02.670 --> 01:04:04.950 and old stoves and snow. 01:04:06.230 --> 01:04:09.450 Some in overheated houses out in the winter woods. 01:04:10.710 --> 01:04:12.250 Others in their duck blinds 01:04:12.250 --> 01:04:14.090 or in their leaking boats 01:04:14.090 --> 01:04:16.470 when they sank in one of the icy Great Lakes. 01:04:18.820 --> 01:04:21.520 It was in the winter, last winter, 01:04:21.860 --> 01:04:23.560 when I heard that my mother was dying. 01:04:24.220 --> 01:04:25.700 And so I had to go. 01:04:25.980 --> 01:04:27.380 And I was kind of worried. 01:04:27.520 --> 01:04:28.940 So I talked to Father Pierre, 01:04:29.320 --> 01:04:32.020 who's a priest, a converted Egyptian Jew, 01:04:32.880 --> 01:04:35.300 a playboy who loves elegant things 01:04:35.300 --> 01:04:37.920 and has a book collection of 30,000 books. 01:04:39.540 --> 01:04:41.540 And he's such a smart guy. 01:04:41.600 --> 01:04:45.920 And so I said, listen, I have a really big problem. 01:04:46.960 --> 01:04:50.180 I'm going to see my mother and she's dying, 01:04:50.840 --> 01:04:53.340 but I don't love her. 01:04:56.560 --> 01:04:57.680 And Father Pierre said, 01:04:58.560 --> 01:05:01.760 okay, well, just bring her some flowers 01:05:01.760 --> 01:05:04.160 and tell her you've always cared about her. 01:05:04.780 --> 01:05:07.480 And I thought, I can do that. 01:05:08.480 --> 01:05:11.080 Besides, you really don't want to lie 01:05:11.080 --> 01:05:12.240 to someone who's dying. 01:05:13.720 --> 01:05:15.080 But when I got there, 01:05:16.000 --> 01:05:18.300 they were rushing her around in a gurney. 01:05:18.360 --> 01:05:20.220 And they didn't have time to get the flowers. 01:05:20.360 --> 01:05:22.180 And it was loud and confusing. 01:05:22.420 --> 01:05:24.460 And there wasn't a single moment to say, 01:05:24.520 --> 01:05:27.780 you know, I've always cared about you. 01:05:29.880 --> 01:05:33.910 And then all of a sudden, she was dead. 01:05:41.090 --> 01:05:42.670 And there's a Buddhist exercise 01:05:43.250 --> 01:05:44.790 called the mother meditation. 01:05:45.550 --> 01:05:47.830 And you use it when you can't feel anything. 01:05:49.010 --> 01:05:51.550 You try to find a single moment 01:05:52.230 --> 01:05:54.950 when your mother truly loved you 01:05:54.950 --> 01:05:57.510 without a single reservation. 01:06:00.320 --> 01:06:02.200 And you focus on that moment. 01:06:06.850 --> 01:06:07.790 And then you imagine 01:06:08.610 --> 01:06:10.250 that you've been everyone's mother. 01:06:12.050 --> 01:06:13.310 And they've been yours. 01:06:19.640 --> 01:06:21.720 And I looked and I looked for that moment, 01:06:22.480 --> 01:06:25.280 but it just kept slipping away. 01:06:28.640 --> 01:06:30.640 So which way do we go? 01:06:31.240 --> 01:06:31.720 Thanks. 01:06:32.240 --> 01:06:34.980 No, it's been a privilege. 01:06:35.220 --> 01:06:36.820 And you and your family. 01:06:38.790 --> 01:06:40.570 And just one more question. 01:06:43.590 --> 01:06:46.570 Did you ever really love me? 01:07:46.910 --> 01:08:43.730 We lived by a lake. 01:08:44.390 --> 01:08:45.830 And every winter it froze. 01:08:46.810 --> 01:08:48.250 We skated everywhere. 01:08:49.530 --> 01:08:52.350 One evening, I was coming home from the movies. 01:08:53.430 --> 01:08:55.190 And I was pushing my little brothers, 01:08:55.310 --> 01:08:57.030 Craig and Phil, in a stroller. 01:08:58.130 --> 01:09:00.530 I had decided to take them over to the island 01:09:01.130 --> 01:09:03.470 to look at the moon that was just coming up. 01:09:05.900 --> 01:09:07.520 But as we got close to the island, 01:09:07.780 --> 01:09:09.200 the ice broke. 01:09:09.920 --> 01:09:12.400 And the stroller sank into the dark water. 01:09:14.600 --> 01:09:15.820 And my first thought was, 01:09:17.420 --> 01:09:19.300 Mom's gonna kill me. 01:09:20.400 --> 01:09:23.320 And I remember the knitted balls on their hats 01:09:23.320 --> 01:09:25.820 as they disappeared under the black water. 01:09:26.400 --> 01:09:27.780 So I ripped off my jacket 01:09:27.780 --> 01:09:29.680 and I jumped into the freezing water 01:09:29.680 --> 01:09:31.160 and dove down and got Craig 01:09:31.160 --> 01:09:33.420 and pulled him up and threw him on the ice. 01:09:34.500 --> 01:09:35.920 Then I dove down again, 01:09:36.000 --> 01:09:37.400 but I couldn't find the stroller. 01:09:38.120 --> 01:09:40.140 It had slipped down the muddy bank, 01:09:40.640 --> 01:09:42.280 further down under the ice. 01:09:43.200 --> 01:09:44.600 Then I dove in again. 01:09:45.480 --> 01:09:46.840 And I finally found the stroller 01:09:46.840 --> 01:09:48.160 and Phil was trapped in 01:09:48.160 --> 01:09:49.720 and I ripped the strap off 01:09:49.720 --> 01:09:52.220 and pulled him out and pushed him up onto the ice. 01:09:53.320 --> 01:09:54.680 Then I ran home, 01:09:55.180 --> 01:09:56.740 one twin under each arm, 01:09:57.000 --> 01:09:58.400 frozen and screaming. 01:09:59.020 --> 01:09:59.980 I ran in the door 01:09:59.980 --> 01:10:02.040 and I told my mother what had happened. 01:10:02.740 --> 01:10:04.600 And she stood there and said, 01:10:07.960 --> 01:10:10.780 What a wonderful swimmer you are. 01:10:11.860 --> 01:10:14.280 And I didn't know you were such a good diver. 01:10:22.450 --> 01:10:23.610 And when I think of her now, 01:10:24.250 --> 01:10:26.810 I realize that was the moment 01:10:26.810 --> 01:10:29.010 I had been trying to remember. 01:10:38.010 --> 01:10:38.730 Tell the animals. 01:10:44.800 --> 01:10:45.880 Tell all the animals. 01:10:53.470 --> 01:10:54.310 Is it a pilgrimage? 01:10:57.560 --> 01:10:58.200 Towards what? 01:13:46.280 --> 01:13:50.980 It means your time. 01:13:51.500 --> 01:13:53.900 When you're in love. 01:13:54.540 --> 01:13:55.120 In time, 01:13:59.720 --> 01:14:01.100 you can't see or hold it. 01:14:03.190 --> 01:14:04.730 It's exactly like love. 01:14:19.820 --> 01:14:21.380 Turning time around.